faith is..

slowpoke.

maybe it's because this quarter has been filled with the most sicknesses/injuries i've ever had in my life (in the span of 8 weeks).. but i just feel like i don't have that much strength. everytime i feel better and ready to go, i get all excited and motivated and then BAM i'm down again, sick. it's just been a bit frustrating and discouraging because i haven't felt 100% in awhile.

so i've felt like this little turtle for awhile now. slow. maybe i'm supposed to learn from this whole sickness thing.. like attain a steadier approach to life or.. just slow down in general.. but whatever it is i'm supposed to learn, i hope the lesson doesn't come again in the form of breaking my face again.. or sniffles and coughs.. or food poisoning. please. pretty please.

the difference between strength and courage.

It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

focus & discernment

i. worry. too. much.
i. think. too. much.

it kinda consumes me. i think of different situations and how certain things would play out if i chose ONE way or if i chose ANOTHER way. what if some other unforseen circumstance occurred, how would i react? what would i do? where would i be in my life at that time? what if it wasn't what i wanted to happen? what would i do then? how could i somehow manipulate that to make it how i want it?

so exhausting!! i WORRY so much. and in all honesty, fear plays a big role in my worry. i allow all my fear and doubts overcome me and let opportunities pass me by. it inhibits me to act because i just sit around worrying and thinking.. worrying leaves me so unproductive!! i overanalyze and focus on the negative aspects of certain situations. i fear the worst. and nothing comes out of this fear and worry. worrying does not give me a single bit of resolve. it's fruitless.

but i go around thinking that i could do anything if i just put my mind and heart in it. if i just dedicate myself enough, if i just put enough time into it, if i just WANT it enough.. it could happen. but then.. sigh, not only do i need to realize that there are things i simply do not have control over but i also need to start looking beyond myself and become aware of things going beyond my circumstances. i need focus. i need to seek God in the midst of my life, in the midst of my circumstances, and look for what He's doing. i need to let go of my fear and let God rise. i need to put my full trust in Him.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8.

i need to become more aware of the God incidences in my life, pay more attention to my surroundings, and look for the messages He's supplying me. i need discernment. and lastly, i need to stop seeking worldly opinions because i will only obtain worldly answers.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27.

less is more.

"The minute you start to think that you're first and He's second,
and that what you think and what you have planned in your mind
is more important than what He has planned for your life,
that's the minute your life starts to go the wrong way."

no inhibitions.

“The person who risks nothing... does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing -- He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

the end of summer school.

six weeks of summer school are over. when i think back on it, it feels like it went by fast.. but then when i think about it again, it went by SO slow. honestly, these past six weeks have been the hardest, most stressful, filled with ups&downs, most questioning, realizing, and most productive weeks ever.

when i first enrolled in summer school, i didn't know that the 2 mandatory classes you had to take could be split between sessions. and when i found out, i figured i should just keep with my current schedule because it was oh so convenient! mondays&wednesdays, econ from 8:30-10:35. comm10 from 10:45-12:50. only 10 minutes in between classes sounded pretty good to me. ..until i found out that all my quizzes/midterms/paper/FINALS would be on the same day and i would ONLY have 10 minutes in between to prepare. but even then, i decided to keep the schedule. i figured that i would have time to study on tuesdays, thursdays, and fridays. little did i know i would get the job at ucla school of law and i would get scheduled 27 hours throughout the week.

but learning how to manage my time, learning how to study for both classes, while having work, and how to distribute my time was such a difficult lesson to learn. there were times when i wanted to drop econ. so..so..bad.

i was so stressed and people KEPT telling me how bad they felt for me. about how i had 2 finals on the same day, about how i was taking summer school, about how i had no time to go out with friends since i was studying all the time. but why feel bad for me? what's so "sucky" about my life? the fact that i'm learning? the fact that i'm actually stimulating my mind instead of letting it rot? because i'm being productive in handling a job and school? i'm LUCKY. i don't know if it was the caffeine or what, but during my 12 hour straight study session at borders (without internet ahhh!!), i realized how grateful i am. i'm thankful that i'm studying and learning. there are so many less fortunate than i.. and i didn't want to be the one complaining about my situation when my situation is actually one of the better ones.

but anyways, in the end i realize that no matter the result, i should just be satisfied with my efforts.. the song that really got me through the 6 weeks was miley cyrus-the climb. it's so disney and i don't really like her voice when she sings it (haha) but..the message is really good!

it's not about the end result. it's about how..while seeing the goal up ahead, you might tell yourself that it's impossible or you'll have a pessimistic voice telling you that you can't reach your goal.. but just push everything aside, TELL YOURSELF you can do it.. and even if you fail, there will be other goals, other possibilities/chances to take! just make the best of what you get. never be discouraged by failures, be strong and keep pushing on. and these lyrics hit me hard:

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on

it's just that the chance i took in not dropping my class, in juggling all the obligations i had, dealing with stress and no sleep.. there is a possibility that it might not have been necessarily "worth it" based on the end result. i might feel like i failed. but in the end, it's all about the efforts i put into it, it's about what i learned about myself while dealing with all of it. and it's all about how i've changed and grew from this situation.

i just hope i'll remember all of this..

God is good.

so this post was actually written way back on july 5th. but i've just been so busy with summer school and work that i haven't had the time to proofread and submit it as a blog! sigh, the stress of summer. i really think this has been the toughest, yet most productive summers so far. with comm10, econ, work (26.5 hours a week), church, guitar. i've been busyyy. i semi-like it. i semi don't like it. depends on how much sleep i get the night before haha.. anyways, here's the post!

july 5, 4:57pm.
GOD IS SO GOOD. i cannot believe my ears right now. for my mom and dad to be attending church is so...I'm just so happy. it brought tears to my eyes to hear how God is working in them. this just reinforces how God has a plan for everyone and God already knows what's going to happen. he already KNOWS. and everything is placed perfectly in place so that when we are ready to face whatever he has planned, we are ready to receive. i'm so happy to hear that my parents have open hearts and open minds. I'm really praying that God can just slowly but surely break down that hard exterior and break open the shell and just touch their hearts and minds and change them. God can penetrate and be in their lives now.

what's so weird is that right before being on the phone with them, i was reading Matthew and i read this..

Matthew chapter 17, verse 20: "because you have so little faith. i tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

before the phone conversation, i kind of knew what it meant, i had a small understanding. but after being on the phone with them and hearing what they had to say about how they went to church and the hymn they sang spoke to them since it had previous meaning and it just showed that they were MEANT to be there... and how they were convicted and how the sermon was so touching to them. i just knew what this passage meant!
it doesn't mean that anything will be possible for US. we cannot be selfish. we must understand that anything will be possible for God to do to work through us. i had the focus wrong. rather than the faith being in US to do anything, the faith is faith in GOD'S power to do these things like move mountains. not putting the emphasis on US. and it just showed me how God definitely has a plan for us. he plans everything and takes care of everything yet we still seem to forget that! my halmuhnee always prayed that my parents would go to church and just accept God into their lives, and to me, i wondered or i speculated whether they would ever! but my halmuhnee, she's the one who has faith in GOD. she knew that God has a definite plan and it would soon happen, it's all a matter of TIME.

i think that God has seriously helped awaken me and make me truly realize that i need to stop trying to take control of everything and to stop doubting him. there is a plan and it's just a matter of time when it will happen. trust in God!

so frustrated.

so these days, i've just been doing alot of reflecting. i've been thinking about all theses academic mistakes i made during freshman year and i realized that right now, all i'm doing is trying to make up for all these mistakes i made. the first two quarters of freshman year, i really underperformed, i didn't reach my potential at all, i didn't even skim it. i didn't even SEE my goal at ALL. nowhere in sight. but during spring quarter, i finally felt like i studied and did all that i did with my goals in sight. i'm actually pretty proud of how i did spring quarter. it really made me realize what i COULD be doing at ucla.

in high school, after my first two years of doing well and getting straight A's and everything.. junior year came and it was my weak point. i really procrastinated and didn't keep up with my study habits like i had before. while getting ready for applications and writing my essays, i realized that i could've done SO much better in junior year. i was just disappointed in myself. i could've been a higher ranking, i could've applied to different colleges, i could've done this and that.. but after getting rejected from two colleges, i was so sad. and i promised myself that i NEVER want to feel like this again! why dwell on all the things you COULD have done, the things you COULD have done better when you didn't?! instead of dwelling on these disappointments, i tried to use those disappointments and convert it into motivation to do better. i wanted to be positive and motivate myself to just always perform to the potential i knew i had.

but then the first two quarters came and went and i found myself in the SAMEEEEE exact place i was before. and i began thinking, what happened to all that motivation i had? what happened to never wanting to feel like i didn't put in all the effort i COULD have put in? just...what happened?!?!

it was just because i became lazy. i mean i KIND OF had my goals in mind, but i didn't actively pursue them. i was just being stagnant and doing what i needed to do to get by. and because of my stupidity and..i guess unwilligness to approach this problem or even acknowledge this problem, i was in the same situation after my winter quarter. NOW i was depressed. i felt so incompetent. i questioned why i was here at UCLA if i kept failing myself. and being a new Christian, i was questioning God. WHYYY did He bring me to UCLA? but, i knew that He would want me to excel in all aspects of being a student at UCLA. and that was what i failed to acknowledge before.

so then, i decided that first of all, i had to stop being lazy and instead, be diligent as a student. i had to FOCUS, put all my thoughts into ACTION, and DIRECT all my intentions/diligence to God because in the end, He's the one who has the plan for me and if i just do well and focus, then He will help me.

and finally i'm in this position right now, where i'm finally happy with how i did in school.. but ..yes, BUT. i still have those bad grades of the first two quarters lingering. and the fact that i'm taking summer school makes me realize how right now.. i'm paying for my mistakes. i'm making up for everythinggg.. and it just makes me so so so frustrated because why couldn't i just have applied myself THEN..!? aghaghaghhhhh. yea, so that's all that's been in my mind. so much stress. sigh.... and disappointments. but i suppose everything happens for a reason and maybe i wouldn't have realized lalalalala but still, i'm so angry with myself still.

all i need to try to prevent myself from is CONSTANTLY repeating these mistakes over and over and over. NO MORE OF THAT!! i have no more time to mess up. and i also have to keep in mind:
Proverbs 13:4. The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
:) i stumbled on that during this past wednesday's BYOB: Bring Your Own Bible session and i think it just stimulated all these thoughts... and even though i'm very motivated right now to do well especially in summer session, i can't help but be so frustrated. :/ sooooooooo frustrated. blah.

i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i'm still frustrated and disappointed. but i knew it was all for a reason in the end................... nothing i can do about it but just do better. sigh, i know i should believe that but im still thinking pessimistically and still disappointed. AHH i need to forget the past and just push on.


to do list for summer:
1. don't falter! try try try, keep trying!
2. finish new testament and.. up to i don't know yet.. in old testament haha
3. finish these 6 weeks of summer school successfullyy!
4. work out
5. finish itinerary for sept2-sept9 NEW YORK TRIPPPPPP<3
6. schedule time to go down to SD with diana, say byebye to brandon
7. relax. stop worrying.....this is AFTER the 6 weeks of course.
8. reeeeeaaaaadd<3 :)

clean our hearts :)

so last week was pretty stressful. i wasn't feeling good about myself at all..
but this week has been sososo much better even though it's finals week. haha i'm so tired and drained but i've been happier :) finals week isn't too bad except for the whole not sleeping thing..

anyway, so last night/this early morning at around 4am, i was finally in my bed, about to go to sleep with my eyes almost closed.. when i jolted awake and realized that i hadn't read the Bible that day! lately, i've been reading everyday/night even if it's just a chapter or two because i promised myself and to God that i'd work harder to learn more about Him. so i forced my droopy eyes open and prayed and started to read.

first i read about the ark.
Exodus 25:
¹⁰ "Have them make a chest of acacia wood—two and a half cubits long, a cubit and a half wide, and a cubit and a half high. ¹¹ Overlay it with pure gold, both inside and out, and make a gold molding around it. ¹² Cast four gold rings for it and fasten them to its four feet, with two rings on one side and two rings on the other.

then i read about the table and the lampstand.
³¹ "Make a lampstand of pure gold and hammer it out, base and shaft; its flowerlike cups, buds and blossoms shall be of one piece with it. ³² Six branches are to extend from the sides of the lampstand—three on one side and three on the other. ³³ Three cups shaped like almond flowers with buds and blossoms are to be on one branch, three on the next branch, and the same for all six branches extending from the lampstand.

at first, i was like dang, what the heck. because starting from exodus 20 (the ten commandments), it was all about rules, regulations, consequences and then on top of that, He was talking about His specifications for the ark, table, lampstand, oil.

but then i thought about it and asked, "was God being picky??"

i don't think so!

if only we could be so careful and so meticulous when it comes to the places that "houses" His presence now. our body is a temple--He lives in us. if only we were more picky when it comes to what we allow in the same "room" as God.

but instead, we house habitual sin, unforgiveness, deceit in a place only meant for the presence of God! we hide these things in any little crevice in our hearts.

please forgive us for allowing these things take hold of us in a place reserved for You. but thank you for showing us grace that tells us You are not looking for perfection in us. while we know that we could never do enough, please grant us the courage to deal with these burdens..this JUNK in our hearts! may we be as meticulous as those ark/table workers. may we declutter our hearts to make more space for You, and become more aware of what we are allowing to grow within us..what we subject ourselves to.

i want to be picky! i want to be more aware and conscious of what i'm allowing to live within me.
MORE OF YOU! LESS OF ME!

thank you russia :)

i hadn't seen my parents in 7 months and 18 days. so while i was driving to the airport to pick them up, i was nervous! i didn't know what to expect. during those 7 months and 18 days, i changed so much and i wanted them to see that. i wanted them to see how much i grew as a person, how i matured and became more responsible..

little did i know that my parents had also changed dramatically: individually and as a couple.

going on this trip meant either giving up or leaving all their worldly possessions behind. we didn't have a house (the lease went up the day they left), we sold 2 cars, and all of our furniture and appliances and everything else went into storage. my parents left with a total of 6 luggage and came back with 4! and most importantly, they only had each other as a companion.

when i picked them up from the airport, first and foremost, i noticed their smiles. i knew they were happy to see me! ..but they were just happier overall. they no long stressed about the small things in life and were genuinely happy.

but the one thing that stood out the most was..my parents were acting like a newlywed couple! they were constantly holding hands :) cutee, i know! and it wasn't like old ahjima/ahjuhshi linking arms or anything. they were interlocking fingers, side by side, in love.. again! i couldn't believe it. they had found love again with each other and were seriously living on cloud 9.

and for this, i want to thank russia! why russia? because in russia, my parents visited Nikolayevsky Palace and watched a show there. but what was magical, was what happened afterwards. they made a reservation, dinner for two, in a beautiful room inside the palace and found, to their surprise, that they were the only two who made a reservation! there was a single table in the middle of the dancefloor and a pianist off to the side. she began playing a vienesse waltz and they danced ballroom all around the room :)

i told my parents, this is like a fairytale, perfect date story.. a fantasy dinner! where the billionaire flies the date all the way over to a foreign country into a palace and brings her into a grand room with a piano player just for their date! PLUS dancing?! sigh. how idyllic. haha i guess in this case my dad's the billionaire and my mom's his special date! <3 haha i know my dad planned everything :P

THEN the next day, while my parents were walking around, they heard a flutist playing "ave maria", which was the same song that played at their wedding! haha i know my dad planned that too..

but seriously, what could be more romantic? russia is where my parents came around full circle, where they found themselves and found each other (again)! so thank you russia for bringing my parents together and for the series of small serendipities. although, i don't necessarily think these events happened by CHANCE, but rather, it was fate :) and of course, all part of God's plan.

1 Corinthians 13: 7-8a
⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.

my caretaker.

so throughout my spring quarter at UCLA, i've been spending every weekend at my halmoni's apartment. and even though i sleep on the couch while i'm there, it's been feeling more and more like my home. she takes such good care for me, telling me to just relax and sleep while she cooks for me, cleans and does almost everything for me. she says that she remembers when she was a student in korea and lived at school and how her favorite times were when she went home! she wants to recreate the laidback environment that her own mother, my great grandmother, made for her :)

anyhow, my halmoni.. she has been constantly taking care of me ever since i was a baby. she lived with my family over the weekdays and went home to her apartment on the weekends (to go to church). since my mom and dad were always working, i remember spending my pre-kindergarden days at home with my halmoni. i would sit with her while she watched her korean dramas, try to imitate her kimchi squat while she was almost crawling around the whole house sweeping with a dustpan, and try to help her with anything else i could. she was always there for me.. if there was a bug in my room, if my brother hurt me, if anything! and this year, more than ever, she's been there, caring for me, while my parents have been away.

on her birthday, feb 14 <3, i bought her orchids, her favorite! it wasn't anything extravagant ..just a modest pot with small white budding orchids and some fully bloomed. she always told me that she is happy and satisfied with all the things she has, but i wanted to buy her a little present anyway. she loves flowers and when she used to live with our family long ago, she used to spend hours gardening outside, taking care of her flowers.

so every weekend, i make sure to take a look at how the orchids are doing. and after a month or two, while the other pots of flowers surrounding the orchids were finishing blooming and were starting to fall off their stems, these orchids were still faithfully blooming and still growing! there were even new small buds! my halmoni even told me that she was so surprised because the orchids i bought were small and usually have a blooming period of at most a month or two. but last week, they were still going strong! and while she she was telling me this, she was caring to the orchid. brushing away any excess debris and patting the dirt in the pot.

and while i was watching her care for her flowers, i realized how much this relates to one of my favorite sermons!

in life, a gardener is equivalent to a caretaker. he is engaged in the growth of his plants and is active in the plants' maturing process. he is there every step of the way. his primary role is to prune the plant - cut away any unnecessary stems or bad/rotting flowers to balance the growth in the plant. and sometimes, he may be forced to prune the plant to the point of nakedness. the equipment he uses are often sharp but effective.

God is our caretaker. the "equipment" He uses sometimes hurt, like the difficult trials and tribulations He brings into our lives. but this is His test on our faith! with perseverance, the "plant" will grow to become complete and mature; we will lack nothing. God prunes us because he cares so much for us. He is concerned with our health. and even though it's painful and we may be tired and broken, it's necessary for our growth and maturity. thus, He is our support. without Him, we slowly become fruitless.

after the difficult stage of pruning, we experience spiritual growth! because of that, WE MUST REMAIN IN THE VINE:
John 15: 1-5.
1 I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

this sermon is what i look to when i feel discouraged, when i feel like i'm experiencing some hardships. after i read the passage, i realize that chances are, i'm being pruned! it reminds me to press on! not to give up. growth is coming :) revival is coming!! :)

to me, my halmoni is my caretaker here on earth. she's honestly the strongest person i know: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically strong. my halmoni was the ONLY one pushing me to go to church and praying for me to do so. she knew that i had gone to church a long time ago but for some reason stopped attending. and anyway, one day in december, it was late and i was heading to the bathroom and heard her praying.. and she was praying for me..for me to go to church. and i just started crying. because even though i knew she really wanted me to go, i always just brushed it aside. i never took it seriously. but to hear her praying for me, to hear how passionate she was about this one thing, it really touched me to see that someone cared that much. that's why starting this year, in january, i started going to OMC.

and well.. for that i'm eternally grateful. i just needed a spark to reignite the flame within me! :)

so TODAYY..

MY PARENTS CAME HOMEEEEEEEEEE<3
they're happy! i'm happy.
life is good =)

God is our BEST FRIEND!

"I am unconscious but my heart still beats and my lungs still breathe--yet even that I know is sustained by my Creator. Who can go to sleep tonight and be 100% sure he will wake up in the morning. Not a single person. It is by God's will and power that we see another day." -- stevo :)

last night, i didn't fall asleep too easily either.. but at least last night i wasn't thinking empty thoughts. instead, i had this quote in mind..
and.. it just sparked this whole stimulating..mess..of..greatness haha :) it was all a matter of me sorting out these thoughts and making sense of everything.

God breathes life into all of us each day. He wakes us every morning so we can live another day.. not just "another" day, but a new day! He wakes us so we can all breathe another breath. smile to a stranger. bring someone else joy. say 'i love you' to a family member or friend! have another opportunity and say 'i love you' to God, Himself! have more time to heal open wounds and forgive those who have hurt us. to be inspired by others. to imagine! to dream! &create! and to just..experience being ALIVE.. through Him of course :)

and i mean, isn't that something to look forward to?! isn't the life He gave us something to.. go to sleep and wake up and experience all over again.. more than enough?? it IS!!
but i feel like these days i've just been taking everything for granted. i've been getting really caught up in day-to-day activities. going to class, following my day schedule, studying. i haven't been taking the time to really stop. look around me. and just feel blessed. i know it's really cliche to say, just look around and smell the roses.. but when's the last time i did? when's the last time i laid in bed at the end of a day and thought about all the good things that happened during the day instead of all the small burdens or insecurities i have about tomorrow?

so then i thought, maybe this is what He wanted to reveal to me.. by taking away those what i called, "precious" hours of sleep..to really take the time and do my QTs and think about all the good things that happened today..

in fact, i'll start thinking/writing about my day now! (this entry feels very spontaneous haha)
so i woke up at 715am and got ready to go move my car, which was on gayley, because of street cleaning. and yes, what a hassle.. but i've actually been enjoying these early mornings alone. it's.. very.. quiet. and nice. and today i just felt like visiting my high school so i went to starbucks to get my coffee anddddd.. i see one of my best friend's mom! what a coincidence! so we just sat there and talked about life, friends and our experiences. it was a good breakfast talk :) and thennn i went to my highschool and talked with my coach, talked with my AP Calc teacher <3 hehe i love her! and saw some of my senior friends. and since i have class at 11, soc, and since the parking spots open up at 11 on gayley.. had to go back to UCLA. and even though i was 5 minutes late, and even though i was super hot while power walking to class, class was fun haha right cho, wasn't it fun today?! :/ haha well anyways and then i spent 6 hours in powell studying for psych and even though i outlined some of the wrong section, it's okay! and then went to KCM and that's always fun :)

bottom line, i looked back on what happened today in a good mood and happy state of mind! yayy haha! anyways, back to what my post is really about. i looked up "calvin and hobbes, sleep" up in google and the comic up there is what i found! isn't it perfect?

God is our creator. He's our bestestttt friend! "Things are never quite as scary" when we put our faith in Him. and regarding my "insomnia".. i think just simply knowing He's next to me, embracing me, absorbing all my troubles and worries, bringing me peace.. knowing all of what He has done for me and continues to provide is what will help me sleep better at night..
..&wake up refreshed and anew for a new day!!
(dang i feel so pumped and energized right now)

*edit. omyy! so the last part of my blog got cut off and i freaked out and pressed "back" a bunch of times and I WAS ABLE TO SAVE IT!! God prevails once again hahah<3

sleepless nights

i think i'm a deep sleeper.. actually i KNOW i'm a deep sleeper. my roommate opens the dorm door and would be talking on the phone and turn on the light and i'll still sleep through all of that. send me a text while i'm sleeping? too bad, i won't feel the vibration or hear the alert. call me while i'm sleeping? oops, sorry! not only am i a deep sleeper, but i'm also quick to fall asleep. the moment my head hits the pillow, goodnight world! i pride myself on having the most comfortable dorm bed in all of UCLA.. i have people to prove it too.. for example, my roommate who one day, while getting ready to go to class, just sat on my bed (i have lower bunk) to put on her shoes and decided to lay down for a minute.. and was asleep in a matter of seconds! &&my friends who randomly come in while i'm studying at my desk and attempt studying on my bed. ohnoo, they fall asleep while studying in milliseconds!

sleep is when i'm completely knocked out and in my own zone. i'm utterly unconscious and oblivious to the ongoings of life around me. which is why, these days, i've been so confused on why it's been difficult for me to fall asleep.. and STAY asleep! usually i don't wake up (or sometimes not even wake up) when my alarm rings.. but these days i've been waking up multiple times throughout the night..5am, 8am, etc. and even last night, i was laying in my bed for two HOURS. two hours?!?! usually i'm asleep in two seconds! and it's not that i'm not tired too.. i had been up until 5am the other night writing my paper and went to bed, and that's how my yesterday started..by only having about 5 hours of sleep and then going to a full day's worth of class (11am-5pm). after i studied until 12midnight, i was ready to sleep! but alas, sleep did not come..

so if my body is so tired, why does it seem like my mind is restless and running all over the place? why can't i sleeeeeep?!?

honestly, i'm not that stressed out this quarter. i feel like this quarter has been my favorite so far! my classes are great, i'm enjoying going to class (nerd alert..), and even though the readings are alot, i haven't been behind. okay i guess minus that paper i stayed up until 5am writing.. but even then, i wasn't that stressed and i was actually surprised by what i produced in the end.

but i guess there's uneasiness in my life. i don't know the path i'm taking and alot of things are just up in the air for me maybe? i don't really have a clue for the reason behind my sleepless nights. hum.. i know i probably should have taken those 2 hours for my QT and read my bible. maybe God would have revealed to me the answers.. but instead, i took those 2 hours to think empty thoughts.. to just lay in bed with eyes wide open..

..maybe tonight will be better..

6 months & 17 days..

so instead of writing my history paper right now like i should be doing.. i went through my planner and counted how many days it's been since i've seen my parents last..
SIX MONTHS AND SEVENTEEN DAYS.. :O
i haven't seen them for more than half a year :( and i miss them alot..
..but then i became really happy because right after i counted how many days i HADN'T seen them.. i counted how many days until i DO see them.. which is 28 days :) for my brother's graduation. haha but then they're gonna be leaving again right after to continue their trip.. but stilllll, any amount i get to see them is gooood enough for me!

but basically, the reason i haven't seen my parents is because they're on a one year trip around the world! just for leisure.. just for fun! they planned it so that we rented out a house until the end of summer '08 and so when lease was over, they could leave for their trip. they booked a plane ticket for the weekend of my first week at college. so right after i got settled into my dorm, i spent one last weekend at home and then drove them to the airport.
ah sad sad day. i remember when we were driving to the airport, my mom and i started arguing to the point where i was so frustrated.. actually i don't remember why we started arguing.. it had something to do with luggage. but regardless, it was so trivial.. we were silent for the rest of the way there. but when we finally arrived at the airport and we were saying our goodbyes, we started apologizing to each other. i think i had finally grasped in my mind that this was going to be one of the last moments i see them until a veryvery long time and i didn't want to waste it. so we said our "i love you"s and "i'll miss you"s and that was the last time i saw them in person.

but i'm happy for them :) because they're living the dream! they're just traveling the world, seeing the landmarks, meeting new people, and just spending time with each other. i think my two hopes for them during their trip were.. to become happier and to just grow on a spiritual level with God. i feel like this trip has probably shown them how they are just be so blessed..

ahh!! anyway, i have to cut this blog short. haha need to work on my paperrr.. :/

half post

i'm sad..
..because i don't know how to upload a new template onto my new blogspot :(

but i'm happy because i'm sore from my workouts! i worked out all last week and it made me feel good :) yayy! agh but it's difficult trying to get fit from all the flab i gained in fall/winter quarter in only a matter of a few weeks.

ok well this wasn't a real first post.. it was more of a half post because i'm still trying to get the hang of blogging again. i haven't blogged since middle school!

testinggg 1 2 3!