so frustrated.

so these days, i've just been doing alot of reflecting. i've been thinking about all theses academic mistakes i made during freshman year and i realized that right now, all i'm doing is trying to make up for all these mistakes i made. the first two quarters of freshman year, i really underperformed, i didn't reach my potential at all, i didn't even skim it. i didn't even SEE my goal at ALL. nowhere in sight. but during spring quarter, i finally felt like i studied and did all that i did with my goals in sight. i'm actually pretty proud of how i did spring quarter. it really made me realize what i COULD be doing at ucla.

in high school, after my first two years of doing well and getting straight A's and everything.. junior year came and it was my weak point. i really procrastinated and didn't keep up with my study habits like i had before. while getting ready for applications and writing my essays, i realized that i could've done SO much better in junior year. i was just disappointed in myself. i could've been a higher ranking, i could've applied to different colleges, i could've done this and that.. but after getting rejected from two colleges, i was so sad. and i promised myself that i NEVER want to feel like this again! why dwell on all the things you COULD have done, the things you COULD have done better when you didn't?! instead of dwelling on these disappointments, i tried to use those disappointments and convert it into motivation to do better. i wanted to be positive and motivate myself to just always perform to the potential i knew i had.

but then the first two quarters came and went and i found myself in the SAMEEEEE exact place i was before. and i began thinking, what happened to all that motivation i had? what happened to never wanting to feel like i didn't put in all the effort i COULD have put in? just...what happened?!?!

it was just because i became lazy. i mean i KIND OF had my goals in mind, but i didn't actively pursue them. i was just being stagnant and doing what i needed to do to get by. and because of my stupidity and..i guess unwilligness to approach this problem or even acknowledge this problem, i was in the same situation after my winter quarter. NOW i was depressed. i felt so incompetent. i questioned why i was here at UCLA if i kept failing myself. and being a new Christian, i was questioning God. WHYYY did He bring me to UCLA? but, i knew that He would want me to excel in all aspects of being a student at UCLA. and that was what i failed to acknowledge before.

so then, i decided that first of all, i had to stop being lazy and instead, be diligent as a student. i had to FOCUS, put all my thoughts into ACTION, and DIRECT all my intentions/diligence to God because in the end, He's the one who has the plan for me and if i just do well and focus, then He will help me.

and finally i'm in this position right now, where i'm finally happy with how i did in school.. but ..yes, BUT. i still have those bad grades of the first two quarters lingering. and the fact that i'm taking summer school makes me realize how right now.. i'm paying for my mistakes. i'm making up for everythinggg.. and it just makes me so so so frustrated because why couldn't i just have applied myself THEN..!? aghaghaghhhhh. yea, so that's all that's been in my mind. so much stress. sigh.... and disappointments. but i suppose everything happens for a reason and maybe i wouldn't have realized lalalalala but still, i'm so angry with myself still.

all i need to try to prevent myself from is CONSTANTLY repeating these mistakes over and over and over. NO MORE OF THAT!! i have no more time to mess up. and i also have to keep in mind:
Proverbs 13:4. The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
:) i stumbled on that during this past wednesday's BYOB: Bring Your Own Bible session and i think it just stimulated all these thoughts... and even though i'm very motivated right now to do well especially in summer session, i can't help but be so frustrated. :/ sooooooooo frustrated. blah.

i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i'm still frustrated and disappointed. but i knew it was all for a reason in the end................... nothing i can do about it but just do better. sigh, i know i should believe that but im still thinking pessimistically and still disappointed. AHH i need to forget the past and just push on.


to do list for summer:
1. don't falter! try try try, keep trying!
2. finish new testament and.. up to i don't know yet.. in old testament haha
3. finish these 6 weeks of summer school successfullyy!
4. work out
5. finish itinerary for sept2-sept9 NEW YORK TRIPPPPPP<3
6. schedule time to go down to SD with diana, say byebye to brandon
7. relax. stop worrying.....this is AFTER the 6 weeks of course.
8. reeeeeaaaaadd<3 :)