so frustrated.

so these days, i've just been doing alot of reflecting. i've been thinking about all theses academic mistakes i made during freshman year and i realized that right now, all i'm doing is trying to make up for all these mistakes i made. the first two quarters of freshman year, i really underperformed, i didn't reach my potential at all, i didn't even skim it. i didn't even SEE my goal at ALL. nowhere in sight. but during spring quarter, i finally felt like i studied and did all that i did with my goals in sight. i'm actually pretty proud of how i did spring quarter. it really made me realize what i COULD be doing at ucla.

in high school, after my first two years of doing well and getting straight A's and everything.. junior year came and it was my weak point. i really procrastinated and didn't keep up with my study habits like i had before. while getting ready for applications and writing my essays, i realized that i could've done SO much better in junior year. i was just disappointed in myself. i could've been a higher ranking, i could've applied to different colleges, i could've done this and that.. but after getting rejected from two colleges, i was so sad. and i promised myself that i NEVER want to feel like this again! why dwell on all the things you COULD have done, the things you COULD have done better when you didn't?! instead of dwelling on these disappointments, i tried to use those disappointments and convert it into motivation to do better. i wanted to be positive and motivate myself to just always perform to the potential i knew i had.

but then the first two quarters came and went and i found myself in the SAMEEEEE exact place i was before. and i began thinking, what happened to all that motivation i had? what happened to never wanting to feel like i didn't put in all the effort i COULD have put in? just...what happened?!?!

it was just because i became lazy. i mean i KIND OF had my goals in mind, but i didn't actively pursue them. i was just being stagnant and doing what i needed to do to get by. and because of my stupidity and..i guess unwilligness to approach this problem or even acknowledge this problem, i was in the same situation after my winter quarter. NOW i was depressed. i felt so incompetent. i questioned why i was here at UCLA if i kept failing myself. and being a new Christian, i was questioning God. WHYYY did He bring me to UCLA? but, i knew that He would want me to excel in all aspects of being a student at UCLA. and that was what i failed to acknowledge before.

so then, i decided that first of all, i had to stop being lazy and instead, be diligent as a student. i had to FOCUS, put all my thoughts into ACTION, and DIRECT all my intentions/diligence to God because in the end, He's the one who has the plan for me and if i just do well and focus, then He will help me.

and finally i'm in this position right now, where i'm finally happy with how i did in school.. but ..yes, BUT. i still have those bad grades of the first two quarters lingering. and the fact that i'm taking summer school makes me realize how right now.. i'm paying for my mistakes. i'm making up for everythinggg.. and it just makes me so so so frustrated because why couldn't i just have applied myself THEN..!? aghaghaghhhhh. yea, so that's all that's been in my mind. so much stress. sigh.... and disappointments. but i suppose everything happens for a reason and maybe i wouldn't have realized lalalalala but still, i'm so angry with myself still.

all i need to try to prevent myself from is CONSTANTLY repeating these mistakes over and over and over. NO MORE OF THAT!! i have no more time to mess up. and i also have to keep in mind:
Proverbs 13:4. The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
:) i stumbled on that during this past wednesday's BYOB: Bring Your Own Bible session and i think it just stimulated all these thoughts... and even though i'm very motivated right now to do well especially in summer session, i can't help but be so frustrated. :/ sooooooooo frustrated. blah.

i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i'm still frustrated and disappointed. but i knew it was all for a reason in the end................... nothing i can do about it but just do better. sigh, i know i should believe that but im still thinking pessimistically and still disappointed. AHH i need to forget the past and just push on.


to do list for summer:
1. don't falter! try try try, keep trying!
2. finish new testament and.. up to i don't know yet.. in old testament haha
3. finish these 6 weeks of summer school successfullyy!
4. work out
5. finish itinerary for sept2-sept9 NEW YORK TRIPPPPPP<3
6. schedule time to go down to SD with diana, say byebye to brandon
7. relax. stop worrying.....this is AFTER the 6 weeks of course.
8. reeeeeaaaaadd<3 :)

clean our hearts :)

so last week was pretty stressful. i wasn't feeling good about myself at all..
but this week has been sososo much better even though it's finals week. haha i'm so tired and drained but i've been happier :) finals week isn't too bad except for the whole not sleeping thing..

anyway, so last night/this early morning at around 4am, i was finally in my bed, about to go to sleep with my eyes almost closed.. when i jolted awake and realized that i hadn't read the Bible that day! lately, i've been reading everyday/night even if it's just a chapter or two because i promised myself and to God that i'd work harder to learn more about Him. so i forced my droopy eyes open and prayed and started to read.

first i read about the ark.
Exodus 25:
¹⁰ "Have them make a chest of acacia wood—two and a half cubits long, a cubit and a half wide, and a cubit and a half high. ¹¹ Overlay it with pure gold, both inside and out, and make a gold molding around it. ¹² Cast four gold rings for it and fasten them to its four feet, with two rings on one side and two rings on the other.

then i read about the table and the lampstand.
³¹ "Make a lampstand of pure gold and hammer it out, base and shaft; its flowerlike cups, buds and blossoms shall be of one piece with it. ³² Six branches are to extend from the sides of the lampstand—three on one side and three on the other. ³³ Three cups shaped like almond flowers with buds and blossoms are to be on one branch, three on the next branch, and the same for all six branches extending from the lampstand.

at first, i was like dang, what the heck. because starting from exodus 20 (the ten commandments), it was all about rules, regulations, consequences and then on top of that, He was talking about His specifications for the ark, table, lampstand, oil.

but then i thought about it and asked, "was God being picky??"

i don't think so!

if only we could be so careful and so meticulous when it comes to the places that "houses" His presence now. our body is a temple--He lives in us. if only we were more picky when it comes to what we allow in the same "room" as God.

but instead, we house habitual sin, unforgiveness, deceit in a place only meant for the presence of God! we hide these things in any little crevice in our hearts.

please forgive us for allowing these things take hold of us in a place reserved for You. but thank you for showing us grace that tells us You are not looking for perfection in us. while we know that we could never do enough, please grant us the courage to deal with these burdens..this JUNK in our hearts! may we be as meticulous as those ark/table workers. may we declutter our hearts to make more space for You, and become more aware of what we are allowing to grow within us..what we subject ourselves to.

i want to be picky! i want to be more aware and conscious of what i'm allowing to live within me.
MORE OF YOU! LESS OF ME!