the end of summer school.

six weeks of summer school are over. when i think back on it, it feels like it went by fast.. but then when i think about it again, it went by SO slow. honestly, these past six weeks have been the hardest, most stressful, filled with ups&downs, most questioning, realizing, and most productive weeks ever.

when i first enrolled in summer school, i didn't know that the 2 mandatory classes you had to take could be split between sessions. and when i found out, i figured i should just keep with my current schedule because it was oh so convenient! mondays&wednesdays, econ from 8:30-10:35. comm10 from 10:45-12:50. only 10 minutes in between classes sounded pretty good to me. ..until i found out that all my quizzes/midterms/paper/FINALS would be on the same day and i would ONLY have 10 minutes in between to prepare. but even then, i decided to keep the schedule. i figured that i would have time to study on tuesdays, thursdays, and fridays. little did i know i would get the job at ucla school of law and i would get scheduled 27 hours throughout the week.

but learning how to manage my time, learning how to study for both classes, while having work, and how to distribute my time was such a difficult lesson to learn. there were times when i wanted to drop econ. so..so..bad.

i was so stressed and people KEPT telling me how bad they felt for me. about how i had 2 finals on the same day, about how i was taking summer school, about how i had no time to go out with friends since i was studying all the time. but why feel bad for me? what's so "sucky" about my life? the fact that i'm learning? the fact that i'm actually stimulating my mind instead of letting it rot? because i'm being productive in handling a job and school? i'm LUCKY. i don't know if it was the caffeine or what, but during my 12 hour straight study session at borders (without internet ahhh!!), i realized how grateful i am. i'm thankful that i'm studying and learning. there are so many less fortunate than i.. and i didn't want to be the one complaining about my situation when my situation is actually one of the better ones.

but anyways, in the end i realize that no matter the result, i should just be satisfied with my efforts.. the song that really got me through the 6 weeks was miley cyrus-the climb. it's so disney and i don't really like her voice when she sings it (haha) but..the message is really good!

it's not about the end result. it's about how..while seeing the goal up ahead, you might tell yourself that it's impossible or you'll have a pessimistic voice telling you that you can't reach your goal.. but just push everything aside, TELL YOURSELF you can do it.. and even if you fail, there will be other goals, other possibilities/chances to take! just make the best of what you get. never be discouraged by failures, be strong and keep pushing on. and these lyrics hit me hard:

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on

it's just that the chance i took in not dropping my class, in juggling all the obligations i had, dealing with stress and no sleep.. there is a possibility that it might not have been necessarily "worth it" based on the end result. i might feel like i failed. but in the end, it's all about the efforts i put into it, it's about what i learned about myself while dealing with all of it. and it's all about how i've changed and grew from this situation.

i just hope i'll remember all of this..

God is good.

so this post was actually written way back on july 5th. but i've just been so busy with summer school and work that i haven't had the time to proofread and submit it as a blog! sigh, the stress of summer. i really think this has been the toughest, yet most productive summers so far. with comm10, econ, work (26.5 hours a week), church, guitar. i've been busyyy. i semi-like it. i semi don't like it. depends on how much sleep i get the night before haha.. anyways, here's the post!

july 5, 4:57pm.
GOD IS SO GOOD. i cannot believe my ears right now. for my mom and dad to be attending church is so...I'm just so happy. it brought tears to my eyes to hear how God is working in them. this just reinforces how God has a plan for everyone and God already knows what's going to happen. he already KNOWS. and everything is placed perfectly in place so that when we are ready to face whatever he has planned, we are ready to receive. i'm so happy to hear that my parents have open hearts and open minds. I'm really praying that God can just slowly but surely break down that hard exterior and break open the shell and just touch their hearts and minds and change them. God can penetrate and be in their lives now.

what's so weird is that right before being on the phone with them, i was reading Matthew and i read this..

Matthew chapter 17, verse 20: "because you have so little faith. i tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

before the phone conversation, i kind of knew what it meant, i had a small understanding. but after being on the phone with them and hearing what they had to say about how they went to church and the hymn they sang spoke to them since it had previous meaning and it just showed that they were MEANT to be there... and how they were convicted and how the sermon was so touching to them. i just knew what this passage meant!
it doesn't mean that anything will be possible for US. we cannot be selfish. we must understand that anything will be possible for God to do to work through us. i had the focus wrong. rather than the faith being in US to do anything, the faith is faith in GOD'S power to do these things like move mountains. not putting the emphasis on US. and it just showed me how God definitely has a plan for us. he plans everything and takes care of everything yet we still seem to forget that! my halmuhnee always prayed that my parents would go to church and just accept God into their lives, and to me, i wondered or i speculated whether they would ever! but my halmuhnee, she's the one who has faith in GOD. she knew that God has a definite plan and it would soon happen, it's all a matter of TIME.

i think that God has seriously helped awaken me and make me truly realize that i need to stop trying to take control of everything and to stop doubting him. there is a plan and it's just a matter of time when it will happen. trust in God!

so frustrated.

so these days, i've just been doing alot of reflecting. i've been thinking about all theses academic mistakes i made during freshman year and i realized that right now, all i'm doing is trying to make up for all these mistakes i made. the first two quarters of freshman year, i really underperformed, i didn't reach my potential at all, i didn't even skim it. i didn't even SEE my goal at ALL. nowhere in sight. but during spring quarter, i finally felt like i studied and did all that i did with my goals in sight. i'm actually pretty proud of how i did spring quarter. it really made me realize what i COULD be doing at ucla.

in high school, after my first two years of doing well and getting straight A's and everything.. junior year came and it was my weak point. i really procrastinated and didn't keep up with my study habits like i had before. while getting ready for applications and writing my essays, i realized that i could've done SO much better in junior year. i was just disappointed in myself. i could've been a higher ranking, i could've applied to different colleges, i could've done this and that.. but after getting rejected from two colleges, i was so sad. and i promised myself that i NEVER want to feel like this again! why dwell on all the things you COULD have done, the things you COULD have done better when you didn't?! instead of dwelling on these disappointments, i tried to use those disappointments and convert it into motivation to do better. i wanted to be positive and motivate myself to just always perform to the potential i knew i had.

but then the first two quarters came and went and i found myself in the SAMEEEEE exact place i was before. and i began thinking, what happened to all that motivation i had? what happened to never wanting to feel like i didn't put in all the effort i COULD have put in? just...what happened?!?!

it was just because i became lazy. i mean i KIND OF had my goals in mind, but i didn't actively pursue them. i was just being stagnant and doing what i needed to do to get by. and because of my stupidity and..i guess unwilligness to approach this problem or even acknowledge this problem, i was in the same situation after my winter quarter. NOW i was depressed. i felt so incompetent. i questioned why i was here at UCLA if i kept failing myself. and being a new Christian, i was questioning God. WHYYY did He bring me to UCLA? but, i knew that He would want me to excel in all aspects of being a student at UCLA. and that was what i failed to acknowledge before.

so then, i decided that first of all, i had to stop being lazy and instead, be diligent as a student. i had to FOCUS, put all my thoughts into ACTION, and DIRECT all my intentions/diligence to God because in the end, He's the one who has the plan for me and if i just do well and focus, then He will help me.

and finally i'm in this position right now, where i'm finally happy with how i did in school.. but ..yes, BUT. i still have those bad grades of the first two quarters lingering. and the fact that i'm taking summer school makes me realize how right now.. i'm paying for my mistakes. i'm making up for everythinggg.. and it just makes me so so so frustrated because why couldn't i just have applied myself THEN..!? aghaghaghhhhh. yea, so that's all that's been in my mind. so much stress. sigh.... and disappointments. but i suppose everything happens for a reason and maybe i wouldn't have realized lalalalala but still, i'm so angry with myself still.

all i need to try to prevent myself from is CONSTANTLY repeating these mistakes over and over and over. NO MORE OF THAT!! i have no more time to mess up. and i also have to keep in mind:
Proverbs 13:4. The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
:) i stumbled on that during this past wednesday's BYOB: Bring Your Own Bible session and i think it just stimulated all these thoughts... and even though i'm very motivated right now to do well especially in summer session, i can't help but be so frustrated. :/ sooooooooo frustrated. blah.

i guess that's all i have to say on the matter. i'm still frustrated and disappointed. but i knew it was all for a reason in the end................... nothing i can do about it but just do better. sigh, i know i should believe that but im still thinking pessimistically and still disappointed. AHH i need to forget the past and just push on.


to do list for summer:
1. don't falter! try try try, keep trying!
2. finish new testament and.. up to i don't know yet.. in old testament haha
3. finish these 6 weeks of summer school successfullyy!
4. work out
5. finish itinerary for sept2-sept9 NEW YORK TRIPPPPPP<3
6. schedule time to go down to SD with diana, say byebye to brandon
7. relax. stop worrying.....this is AFTER the 6 weeks of course.
8. reeeeeaaaaadd<3 :)

clean our hearts :)

so last week was pretty stressful. i wasn't feeling good about myself at all..
but this week has been sososo much better even though it's finals week. haha i'm so tired and drained but i've been happier :) finals week isn't too bad except for the whole not sleeping thing..

anyway, so last night/this early morning at around 4am, i was finally in my bed, about to go to sleep with my eyes almost closed.. when i jolted awake and realized that i hadn't read the Bible that day! lately, i've been reading everyday/night even if it's just a chapter or two because i promised myself and to God that i'd work harder to learn more about Him. so i forced my droopy eyes open and prayed and started to read.

first i read about the ark.
Exodus 25:
¹⁰ "Have them make a chest of acacia wood—two and a half cubits long, a cubit and a half wide, and a cubit and a half high. ¹¹ Overlay it with pure gold, both inside and out, and make a gold molding around it. ¹² Cast four gold rings for it and fasten them to its four feet, with two rings on one side and two rings on the other.

then i read about the table and the lampstand.
³¹ "Make a lampstand of pure gold and hammer it out, base and shaft; its flowerlike cups, buds and blossoms shall be of one piece with it. ³² Six branches are to extend from the sides of the lampstand—three on one side and three on the other. ³³ Three cups shaped like almond flowers with buds and blossoms are to be on one branch, three on the next branch, and the same for all six branches extending from the lampstand.

at first, i was like dang, what the heck. because starting from exodus 20 (the ten commandments), it was all about rules, regulations, consequences and then on top of that, He was talking about His specifications for the ark, table, lampstand, oil.

but then i thought about it and asked, "was God being picky??"

i don't think so!

if only we could be so careful and so meticulous when it comes to the places that "houses" His presence now. our body is a temple--He lives in us. if only we were more picky when it comes to what we allow in the same "room" as God.

but instead, we house habitual sin, unforgiveness, deceit in a place only meant for the presence of God! we hide these things in any little crevice in our hearts.

please forgive us for allowing these things take hold of us in a place reserved for You. but thank you for showing us grace that tells us You are not looking for perfection in us. while we know that we could never do enough, please grant us the courage to deal with these burdens..this JUNK in our hearts! may we be as meticulous as those ark/table workers. may we declutter our hearts to make more space for You, and become more aware of what we are allowing to grow within us..what we subject ourselves to.

i want to be picky! i want to be more aware and conscious of what i'm allowing to live within me.
MORE OF YOU! LESS OF ME!